Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Too Personal
There should be the feeling of joy and love that is sugar coated with giving kisses to a newborn angel; however, it is a cloud of blah drenching me with a heavy muck that bogs me down and holds me at a distance. Maybe it is because of the inconvenience of location and having to be beholden to an outsider for a time to see my grand. This could also be caused by my perception of the reasons behind having to wait an extra two days, dragging it out to a total of four days, at the beginning of her life before I get to see her again. I am sure that I am taking things too personal and that I am assuming too much.
Girl Grand
There has been time to get used to the idea that there is going to be a girl in the mix of short people that will be roaming around the house; however, just because there has been time does not mean that it has really seeped its way in and found its place in my thoughts to understand that according to so many other people, her being a girl is supposed to make her special. I am not sure that their thought process lines up with mine. Being a girl only makes her different. All my grands are special.
I feel a bit out of sorts about it and far away from the situation even though I am within distance to be more. The others that surround her are outsiders to me, they are strangers, they are not familiar to me. Having her in another town, in someone else's home, with someone else's rules makes it more difficult to feel comfortable finding my place in the mix.
The irritation and frustration that I feel about the name thing is ridiculous. Someone, that person or persons name(s) were never given put the idea that having a different last name than your child makes it more difficult when doing things with school and government stuff, because the last names do not match. My question is, have they dealt with these difficulties personally? Because my other grands have the last name Reed and their mother's last name is different and she has never found it difficult. This bit of information about the last name not being Reed did not come up in any conversation and seemed to be slipped in as a fact at the last moment; only when at the hospital and reading the board did I see that the last name was not Reed. All that was said was that it could be changed later if it needed to be. I am guessing this is my hang-up and it has to do with having some viable connection, a recognizable connection to this girl that is our grand. I am working on not taking it personally.
The intensity of the feelings I have are probably stronger because of the missing grands that we have. One in England with his mother and one in Oklahoma with his mother and another in Missouri with our son and his gal. The lack of last name matches the mother in Oklahoma with the grand that we may never get to meet and that strikes a cord that makes me feel that there is a distance being kept by this mother, though through her words she swears that she is not "that kind of person" and would never take our grand away.
I want to be a part of all my grands' lives. I want to see them grow, hear them read to me and read to them, and be there for the changes that life throws at them so that I can ease the way and help them to become the person that they want to be. Every child is different. Every child is special.
It is my hope that I will work through my thoughts and find a way to relate and accept. Am thinking that I may have some small control issues that I need to work through too. Not sure, just a guess.
I feel a bit out of sorts about it and far away from the situation even though I am within distance to be more. The others that surround her are outsiders to me, they are strangers, they are not familiar to me. Having her in another town, in someone else's home, with someone else's rules makes it more difficult to feel comfortable finding my place in the mix.
The irritation and frustration that I feel about the name thing is ridiculous. Someone, that person or persons name(s) were never given put the idea that having a different last name than your child makes it more difficult when doing things with school and government stuff, because the last names do not match. My question is, have they dealt with these difficulties personally? Because my other grands have the last name Reed and their mother's last name is different and she has never found it difficult. This bit of information about the last name not being Reed did not come up in any conversation and seemed to be slipped in as a fact at the last moment; only when at the hospital and reading the board did I see that the last name was not Reed. All that was said was that it could be changed later if it needed to be. I am guessing this is my hang-up and it has to do with having some viable connection, a recognizable connection to this girl that is our grand. I am working on not taking it personally.
The intensity of the feelings I have are probably stronger because of the missing grands that we have. One in England with his mother and one in Oklahoma with his mother and another in Missouri with our son and his gal. The lack of last name matches the mother in Oklahoma with the grand that we may never get to meet and that strikes a cord that makes me feel that there is a distance being kept by this mother, though through her words she swears that she is not "that kind of person" and would never take our grand away.
I want to be a part of all my grands' lives. I want to see them grow, hear them read to me and read to them, and be there for the changes that life throws at them so that I can ease the way and help them to become the person that they want to be. Every child is different. Every child is special.
It is my hope that I will work through my thoughts and find a way to relate and accept. Am thinking that I may have some small control issues that I need to work through too. Not sure, just a guess.
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